This post was originally published on murderiseverywhere.substack.com.
I’ve decided to try a new approach for the last three months of 2026—I’m going to try to be less kiasu and more goondu.
This probably doesn’t sound like a sensible self-improvement programme… it’s not meant to be. (Yes, I’ve already started!)
For non Singaporeans, kiasu means being afraid of losing out. It’s the part of us that (at least partly due to years of waking at 6am to get to school by 7:30am) always starts queueing before the stall is open, gets to the airport two hours ahead of time, looks up routes in advance (and then gets real time traffic updates) not just to get the best deal going, but because that’s the way we’ve always done things… it’s all about survival, right?
Being Goondu, on the other hand, isn’t generally recommended.
But here I am.
I’m not (yet) a successful goondu though. I’ve somehow managed to sign myself up for two German courses concurrently (Wednesday evenings and Saturday afternoons), starting next week for ten weeks. And I’m trying to get back into exercise after turning into a soft gourd over the last weeks of finishing Bonsai. And I’m trying to get the apartment back in shape too. Not alone—our new domestic helper coming on Friday and I need to do some cleaning up first so that she doesn’t run away screaming as soon as she’s in the front door.
The old kiasu me would get down to making a schedule immediately—dividing tasks by time available and ruthlessly cutting out distractions. But that’s what got me to this current, drained stage—because that’s how I feel when I haven’t been reading.
What’s the most gloriously goondu thing you can do when there are too many things all needing to be doing at once?
Sit down with a book and start reading.
I got Shen Tao’s The Poet Empress by chance and loved it so much that I read through the night. Yes, I have a sleep-debt headache now but I survived pilates this morning, am writing this now, and I still love it. The best part isn’t just the story (which is good and NOT the Cinderella myth I half expected—also not The Apothecary Diaries which I wouldn’t have minded) but there’s the lovely idea of real and powerful magic in poetry—both creative and destructive—and that when it comes to ruling a nation, a leader who is able to grow food for all is more valuable than one who can win battles or expand territories.
I also read The Tattered Cover, because reading Ellery Adams never fails to put my favourite things together: lots of books, book lovers and non-gruesome murders.
Even her covers always make me happy!
Another book cover that attracted me is Hwang Bo-reum’s Every Day I Read, a collection of essays about reading.
Yes, I got it purely because of the cover—
And I still love this image so much. It’s like an image of what Heaven is for me. Except in my heaven-haven there would be dogs as well as cats and a turtle pond and fish pond out the window.
And her essays make me feel like I’m talking to an old friend or an alternate self. Reading them at this point in my life also made me feel like I’ve been given ‘permission’ to ‘waste’ time and lose myself in a book. And it feels so good.
Finally, I’ve also been reading Morgen Fairchild’s The Ballerina Mindset (haven’t finished it yet) and enjoying the glimpse into dance training (not so different from swimming training!)
But the biggest thing that came out of all this reading is a distinction I’m trying to learn: the difference between good-hard and kiasu-hard.
Kiasu hard is pushing yourself into and through suffering because kiasu-you got the idea that you have to suffer more than the next person to prove you are more serious and therefore more deserving (deserving to who? Teachers, Parents, God or Gods, Social Media…) than the next person.
Good or Goondu hard is the delicious ache of having used seldom-used muscles, of trying and falling out of a yoga pose you know you’re not ready for and of remembering that thrill of positive failure you felt as a toddler reaching on tiptoe for drawer and door handles.
And these are good feelings, believe it or not.
My kiasu self is familiar with FOMO—fear of missing out.
Now my goondu self is learning to play with GOMU—glee of messing up.
Trying stuff and getting into situations I know nothing about. I know there are more good books than I’ll ever ben able to read, more plays and films than I’ll ever be able to see.
But there is something I am already looking forward to at the end of October: Lucia di Lamur.
No, that’s not a misspelling.
I’m mentioning this before I’ve seen it because it looks exciting and I’m hoping more people will go and see it too!
It’s Donizetti’s Lucia di Lammermoor meshed with Malayan cinema: sung in Italian, set in 1950s Malaya, with cinematic tributes to Tan Sri P. Ramlee and the iconic Pontianak films, and surtitles in Malay, English and Chinese and will be at the SOTA Drama Centre from Friday 30 October to Sunday 1 November.
I have absolutely no idea how this combination is going to turn out and I’m looking forward to it!
Of course my Kiasu side isn’t gone for good. I need her to get me to classes on time and do my homework, to meet my deadlines and do my edits. But I’m going to give her time off now and then.
And I’m not the only one feeling the urge to spend time with books. As of today (I’m writing this on 5 October) eight of our public libraries in Singapore are opening earlier, at 9am. For some branches this is a whole two hours earlier than before, which is great (the National Library Board cites ‘patron demand’ as one of the reasons).
Maybe I’m not the only one who’s feeling the need to spend time in a quiet space with a friendly book!